What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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