Umm I'm too high to move.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
