do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
