So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
