There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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