The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
