Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
