Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
