hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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