My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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