I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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