Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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