they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
