I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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