hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
