Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
