I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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