the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
