i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
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I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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