Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
