Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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