i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
