Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
