I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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