Can i not drive my cunt home
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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