i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
