Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
