at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
