I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Say something about gay babies.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
