I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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