I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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