i think my tv is drunk
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT