well you can't waste a boner
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction