allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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