i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
