guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
