god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
