Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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