just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
