Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
