i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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