he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
