I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
