White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
