is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
