oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
