I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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