am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
