Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
