Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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