just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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