careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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