Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
