I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
