Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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