Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
