I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
