There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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